Short stories

Why I Should Never Write for Children


"Why Peter Pan! What are you doing?" demanded Wendy.

"Peter!" said John and Michael together, "It's Peter Pan!"

"I was trying to put my shadow back on," Peter explained sheepishly. "Your dog nipped it off last time I was here."

Wendy got out of her bed and walked over to where Peter stood holding his shadow. "Oh Peter!" she laughed, "You can't put a shadow back on with soap! It has to be sewn back on!"

Peter blushed and held out the shadow to Wendy. "Could you..."

"Most certainly," said Wendy and she fetched a needle and thread from her dresser top.

"What is that?" cried Michael, causing them to all turn and look to where he pointed at a dancing light.

"Why that's Tinkerbell!" explained Peter. "She's a fairy!"

"Gosh," said John, "a real fairy!" And he made a swift grab for her, his fingers closing around the tiny creature.

"Not too tightly!" called Peter as Wendy sewed on his shadow.

"Whoops!" said John letting go off the minuscule figure. "I think I squeezed her too hard."

Tinkerbell zoomed off to land on Peters shoulder where she began vomiting up twinkling silver pools of pixie puke.

"Oh John," said Wendy, "You did remember to wash your hands before you went to bed!"

"Yes," said John sniffing delicately at his fingers, "but I'm afraid that I was using them to clean between my toes after that."

Tinkerbell's convulsions increased.

"There Peter," said Wendy, "now try out your shadow."

Peter leaped into the air only to be met with gales of laughter from the children. Looking over his shoulder, he saw to his horror the shadow of a stunning long haired woman, built like an exotic dancer on steroids, cast on the wall behind him.

"Oh Peter," said Wendy covering her mouth to try and stifle her giggles, "You have the wrong shadow!"

"What?" cried Peter.

"I'm afraid that Nana's been nipping a lot of shadows lately," said Wendy as she rummaged through her drawer. "Now let's see, here's the postman's, and this must be Mr. Martino, because here's the one for his hand organ, and this must be his monkeys..."

Suddenly John screeched, "OW!" causing them all to look at where he lay doubled over on the floor.

"Tink hit John in the nards with fairy dust," Michael explained.

John's shrieks turned into howls as his glowing golden gonads began to pull him up into the air.

"This one isn't yours, Peter," said Wendy holding out a gossamer shadow, "but you really should try it on, it's very butch."

Copyright 1998 by Luther Conant III

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All images, text, animations,and music 2000 By Luther C. Conant III (unless where otherwise noted.)